Food shows

[JJ]

I just finished sitting through two TV food shows for some reason.

The first one was that ambiguously portrayed hetero (i.e. no partner. Maybe homos won't date him either) semi-Italian guy who has some kind of pimp home/farm in California. Michael Somebodyorwhatever.

He made some over-elaborate zucchini and vegetable something or other with rolled up meat and cheese slice-pucks rimming the serving platter. He also whipped up a poached peaches dressed with reduced wine and sugar with 4 Tablespoons of Pretense for dessert when they went for some pretentious hike in the mountains near his compound. The hired black friend guy was like "yeah this is good. Holy shit these are some good fauggin' peaches or whatever. What was your name, G? Damn, these be some good peaches, nigga." And nobody understood what the hell they were eating, and they were like "mm this is tasty but I have no fucking idea what it is" and the host was all "giggle that's zucchini fafardelle and I'm a fag" or some pretentious Italian name and I was like "WTF? I still have no gotdamn idea what the hell this cracka fuck is talkin' bout."

Then it was a show called

"this food
that wine."

This show featured some...cooking whore and some...hose hound sommelier chick.

Background: thirtysomething chubby short hair khakis-and-black-tshirt punk rocker guy and his busted-out liquor hound old lady want to throw a party for the punk guy's rediscovered buddy Rob's birthday. So these two pretentious broads from the tv show make a meals-and-wines pairing extravaganza for the party. The show mostly focuses on the two broads showing the 30+ punk rockers how to cook ridiculously pretentious foods and pair them with fancy wines, and of course nobody has any fucking idea what is going on besides the overly-enthusiastic sommelier chick. The punk rock guy is like "uh yeah, this is alright, but I wouldn't notice that the wine is 'jammy' or whatever, now that you say that though, hurrr...I like beer." And then after several courses of cooking and tasting, when they cook the goat cheese tarts that were to be served with the Pretentious Venison Chops, by the time Henrietta Hosebag (the punk rocker's soulmate) had tasted and debriefed on the tarts, she was frackin' trashed on the pretentious alcohol in the pretentious wines. She was all "slurrrr Rob lovesh chocklitt cayke! We should make some cayke for dezhert!! *urp* " and the wine whore was all "I'll bring you a great dessert wine*so you can get more polluted*" and they cut to a commercial after some awkward "holy God, is she ever wasted but trying so hard to keep it together" moment, but it was all just a wash-out.

So the ten friends come and they're all like "hurr this tastes like ass but when I eat the food and THEN drink the wine, it tastes good, hurr, what the fuck is this again? It's good, hurr." and the hose-hound and pan-hound nod and act pretentious and you can feel the tension in the room with the intensity of a thousand suns, and this is what is on the food channel.

God, TV makes me want to shoot things, but not harm them, sometimes.

[Gamplayerx]

So you're saying you lubs the cooking shows, eh?

[Mr. Ubiquity]

hes a closet cooking show lover.

he must be spent alot of time and energy writing out that post.

[Jessie]

I'd bang Rachael Ray.

[DownSouth]

I'd bang

[Mr. Ubiquity]

I'd bang Rachael Ray.

everyone could.

her mouth is big enough.


but she is cute and spunky... and id pay to see you bang rachael.

[Jessie]

I'd lay the pipe to her.  All.Night.Long.

[Mr. Ubiquity]

I'd lay the pipe to her.  All.Night.Long.

the only pipe she needs is repeatedly to the back of the head until she stays down and stops moving.

[Bennyhana]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that people are getting carried away with food.  There's nothing wrong with something that tastes good, but for chrissake, why is it that every 3 years I have to learn a new food word that will all of a sudden be in every other thing at every restaurant?

[Alice]

I like Yan Can Cook!

(and so can you...)

He's like the Bob Ross of cooking.

[JJ]

Yan is the man. Although it was really funny when he went to the spice gardens in Singapore and the lady made some incredibly fancy bizarre fungus and herb soup, and he fucking fried fish and put cilantro on it. Ooh, nice fish, dickwad. You have lemongrass, galangal, bai toey leaves, tons of stuff that I don't even know about...but you fry some gotdamn fish and put cilantro on it.

In other news, Nigella Lawson, as near as I can figure, has some extra chromosomes. God, does her show ever suck ass.

"ehw, I'm elegant. I'm retarded, but let's make chocolate cake! Did I mention I talk really dainty English? Isn't that crazy? Now add three pounds of meat to your chili, to which you have added smushed cardamom pods for some reason, because CARDAMOM IS FUCKING PERFECT IN CHILI"

Now I likes me some Iron Chef, some Alton Brown, some Manic Organic, shows that show practical stuff: but the pretense and lack of practical real world applications on some of those OTHER shows is just absurdly intense.

In still other news, there is such a thing as a DOGGY DAY CARE in my town. Yes. A doggy day care.

Oh, and Bobby Flay is a fag.

I'm done ranting for today. Sorry

Lastnight's long post was the result of several very gingery hot toddies.

[Mr. Ubiquity]

yeah he was pretty cool and liked to have fun.  none of that BAM shit.

i liked the frugal gormet but his show stopped being aired.

i wonder if this had anything to do with it.

http://www.current.org/people/peop813s.html

[Alice]

Doggy day cares, I think, are good ideas for elderly dogs that need some supervision but aren't to the stage where they need to be put down yet.

[dazie]

In still other news, there is such a thing as a DOGGY DAY CARE in my town. Yes. A doggy day care.

I lubs me some doggie day care.  I can't afford it anymore, since I don't work at one anymore.  My dogs had a blast, and it kept my house from being destroyed.

[JJ]

Gah! I just find the whole concept of a doggy day care so bizarre, and the article about the proprietor was soooo bizarre.

[Alice]

Gah! I just find the whole concept of a doggy day care so bizarre, and the article about the proprietor was soooo bizarre.

I can totally understand it.  Bruce stays in his cage for 8 hours a day while we're at work.  He sleeps most the time, I'm assuming and gets bored.  So, when we're home at night - sometimes he can be a handful because he needs to work out the energy he couldn't during the day.  He'd be a lot less of a handful if he had other dogs & people to play with during the day while I'm at work.

If I made a lot of money, I would so do that.

[JJ]

Next thing you know, they'll be frying ice cream.

[Alice]

Next thing you know, they'll be frying ice cream.

Damn Mexicans.

[JJ]

I have to think twice about blaming Mexicans since a good friend of mine is married to one.

I don't know many Asians though, so I'll shift the blame to "the nines."

[Gamplayerx]

I have to think twice about blaming Mexicans since a good friend of mine is married to one.

I don't know many Asians though, so I'll shift the blame to "the nines."

Nah.  Let's blame Canada!

[JJ]

Tons of asian folks here now, so that'll work too.

[dazie]

Asian people fry ice cream?

[Beefy]

Asian people fry ice cream?

No, they fry pranes just rike everyone erse.

[Alice]

I have to think twice about blaming Mexicans since a good friend of mine is married to one.

I don't know many Asians though, so I'll shift the blame to "the nines."

But the mexicans made fried ice cream. 

[Jessie]

Asian people fry ice cream?

No, they fry pranes just rike everyone erse.

Oh My God.


I <3 you.